Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
