you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
