her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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