the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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