I just saw a hot homeless man
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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