True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
