now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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