i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Randomize