I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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