I hate your face
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
