we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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