To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
