Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
