All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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