I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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