I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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