Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
