You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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