No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
