this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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