i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
