At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
