Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
