He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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