My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
