Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
