Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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