In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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