Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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