Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
