Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
