Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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