Someone shit on the floor
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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