so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
