Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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