You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
