The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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