It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I wish you could order shots online.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
