So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
