I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
