Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
