Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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