Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize