awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
