remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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