Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
