Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
