my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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