Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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