Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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