She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
