I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize