I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize