We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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