Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
