dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
